Updated: Oct 18
It has been one length of time since I have written a blog post. Thank you for you patience and I do sincerely apologise my beautiful souls; life this year has had a lot of challenges, and most of the obstacles I faced were back to back.
In between each difficult moment I found light and peace.
I had experienced high functioning anxiety where I was able to get things done but I was overwhelmed with anxiety and negative thoughts. ‘I can’t bake this cake.’ ‘What on Earth am I thinking? I can’t do these workshop’s, I’m not qualified. I won’t be able to do anything much less run my business with all this pain I’m in with my arm and wrist.’And so my thoughts went on.
I doubted every aspect of my life even though I was doing it! I managed to talk myself out of the doubt by saying my affirmations and digging deeper inside myself with meditation. Reminding myself who my true self was and that I am always capable.
With the most recent challenge, the death of Lilly’s dad, he died 5th July 2022, he had a heart attack at home.
When I was told the news at first, I said ‘shut up!’
Panic started to develop creating a knot in my stomach. I gasped as I looked over at Lilly and thought ‘how am I going to tell her, that her daddy has died?’
Tears welled up in my eyes as I know Lilly always asked for her daddy; I just managed to get the last outburst of tears under control, now I have to deal with this.
I had planned on telling Lilly at the park. Packing a picnic, her ball and some music. I thought by telling her out of the house, it might be easier in someway, or the focus wouldn’t end up on playing or getting distracted with the telly. My parents came with us, my best friend joined us after and one of my close friends with her children came later on to the park.
We had a lovely time it was as if God went before us and heard all the prayers. I thank each and everyone for the prayers, love and support. That day it was evident that God’s presence was before us and with us.
As that week went on I fought to stay in the moment. I kept on thinking about Lilly’s reaction, how was she going to take the news. I literally had to list each detail step by step; ‘I’m now going to brush my teeth, wash my face, have a shower, and get ready.
The overwhelming thoughts for that week were awful. My stomach would knot and my head would pound, to relieve the tension I prayed and meditated when I felt the negativity build up. I dug deep and refused to let the negativity take over my being.
I remember how angry I was one evening. I remember praying to God ‘how dare you Lord! I had really hoped Desmond would eventually step up to be a good father Lilly deserves. I had given her hope, together we remained hopeful that one day he would come around, and then Lord, You take him! Why?’
I remained silent, breathing deeply to release the negativity, release the anger. When I heard a calming voice say ‘it’s okay, I have trusted you to continue this journey of parenting on your own. I am guiding and protecting you both, you and Lilly will be just fine. You have already been raising your daughter by yourself, and without the constant fear in the back of your mind, I need you to focus on me and your goals.’
I felt an overwhelming sense of peace enter my being.
Ever since then I have felt peaceful. People have put their expectations on me; in the sense of how I should be feeling. I should feel sad, or distraught, or I should be mourning. Honestly I don’t feel anything like that. I am sad for Lilly, my sadness is for the fact my daughter is 7 years old and is without her dad. He was already absent and had made his decision to be not apart of her life.
He decided a long time ago that he didn’t want us, he didn’t want a family and kicked us out almost 4 years ago. Lilly from time to time would still cry for him, especially around her birthday and Christmas. But for Lilly the questions she has remains and her questions will now be unanswered.
I’ve mourned him and the relationship a very long time ago. He pushed us away and I can honestly say I forgive him, I’m finally at peace, I’m no longer frustrated or upset.
Telling Lilly was the hardest thing for me, and no parent should have to tell their child that a parent has died.
I’m so proud how Lilly has been; she’s been so brave, strong, and resilient, she has been full of joy, love, and care.
Her reaction was so unexpected! She said ‘mummy I knew, I had a feeling.’
She knew and said nothing! She didn’t want to get in trouble.
This circumstance has has really brought us closer; we were already close! But this has pushed us even more together and has taught me so much about resiliency, faith, strength, parenting, love, health, letting go, togetherness, patience, care, and the importance of mindfulness and staying in the moment.
I trust God with whatever He has in store for us. I have released all the frustrations and I embrace the next part of my life, being the best super Mumma I can be!
I’m sorry it ended this way. This was not what I wanted for you, but God took you God had his reasons for doing so and I trust His process and judgment. I forgive you, and I release you with love, I hope you are now at peace.
With everything I have been through this year I’m determined more than ever to make it!!
I promise my beautiful souls that I will post another one soon! Just remember to keep the faith and trust the process!
You are doing great!