Well, when I thought life couldn't get any more difficult it just did...
I've not been present in getting my blog posts out as frequently as I'd like to, or getting posts out on social media, and amongst other things aren't getting done as I've experienced knock down after after knock down this past year. When I feel like I don't actually know what to do anymore. Usually I can come up with a solution on my own or someone can offer sound advice, but this! I feel there's no comeback from this. Maybe after I've written this post I may have a breakthrough moment. (I remain hopeful.)
The lies that has been brought to light has knocked me sideways and tore my heart to pieces. I'm crushed and I'm expected to carry on like nothing has happened.
I'm not about to expose the lies, the people involved or the details. Just know that it's life shattering and my life has changed dramatically, without any real change.
All year I've held it together, all year I've felt that better days are coming or on the horizon, but with each blow I've lost another part to me.
In life we live so many journeys, we live so many lives, but once that journey has ended or that life we once knew has come to an end, that part of of us dies. So we don't only have one life to live we have multiple lives in one.
I'm trying to do better and be a respectful woman and human being, so I can honestly tell you my truth. Whoever reads my posts from the beginning knows my story, or may have listened to me when I've been live on social media.
My truth is my truth, and my truth is my story. I own every aspect of me and my truth. I have nothing to hide and I'm comfortable with sharing my story.
I'm finding out that I've been lied on and to in recent years, and this has crushed and crumbled my spirit. I'm working hard at adjusting to this found information. I've experienced a form of anger that I've not experienced before, and honestly I don't want to feel that level of anger again. I'm not an angry or an emotional person, but I've sobbed hard painful real tears with my daughter's teachers and on my own.
I've experienced a form of paralysis where I've been paralysed, unable to move from the fear and anger I've felt. My stomach has been knotted and twisted and so uncomfortable. Even though it took me sometime to calm down and rid my body of these things, the anxieties are still very much present. Insomnia - I don't sleep much or I wake from my alarm exhausted; I may sleep but I don't feel rested, brain fog, fatigue, craving sugary foods, nausea, stomach upset, being in public and large crowds, shortness of breath, feelings of something bad is going to happen... the list goes on.
I have even questioned myself and faith, and with that comes self doubt and blame... I started to blame myself, even when I knew it wasn't my fault, none of this has anything to do with me, I am not to blame.
You see, people will walk around and hurt people; hurt those who they're close to and act in a selfish manner. As I say constantly hurt people hurt people, they're hurting because other people have done them wrong. So the lies and deceit will effect the ones they love. Causing people like myself to spend hours upon hours in a doctors appointment or with a therapist, because I'm anxious and I sit and wonder what happened to my life?
I'm in this situation because of other people and the lies they've told on me!! I can't turn the clock back on my life and start again. I've just finished my 6th round of therapy! I've had continued support from 2019, with countless therapists and different types of therapy because I've been let down by those who are supposed to love and keep me safe.
I can only now mend and repair the damage within myself and pick up from this place and go forward not looking back or looking down on those individuals.
But it's obvious that I'm hurting so how do I physically move forward when all I can think about is the way I've been treated, my thoughts are not of my own, and the fact I'm trying already without this to deal with too?
I continue to question why do hurt people continue to hurt people? How do we change this messy cycle?
I'm no professional or a philosopher. I'm no teacher or graduate.
I'm just me, a woman, a mum, a business owner, trying my best at everything I do. I don't want to try anymore, I want to do it, put my thoughts into action and do!!
I want my own home, I want my own store to sell my desserts, I want to travel and find my mark or place in this world, and of course move to Chicago!
How can I though when every step of my journey has been a battle?
I have learnt to understand that through love I can overcome this, love comes in different forms and whatever situation you find yourself to be in, you too can overcome this with love.
When it first happened and I found out, I was mad, my blood was boiling, my heart was pumping at 100mph and I saw red!! I didn't know what to believe or think. When I decided on speaking up about it, I cried so much, no words would come, I kept apologising like I did something wrong. With love I understand that I had courage, I used my faith, and I was brave. I bravely spoke out and decided to release it in a way I found it peaceful.
I'm learning to love and accept myself in every form of my being. If I don't love myself then I cannot have the courage, faith, peace, bravery and compassion I have instilled within me.
I am still working on forgiving as forgiveness is a form of love; forgiving in a way to give myself peace of mind and forgiving the persons involved show love.
Affirmation: I love and accept myself totally and unconditionally.
Even family members have dropped me to those who've lied on me; and it's funny how not a soul had asked me if any of this holds any truth. At this point I'm no longer bothered to be honest. I'm learning that foolish follow foolish like a flock of sheep. If anyone is offended, then yes it's you I'm talking about.
I'm understanding and learning that I have to now work with what I've got; the circumstances I'm in, the people I have around me and me; my truthful self. I continue to evolve into a beautiful being. My head held up high, back straight and I continue to step forward into my tomorrow.
Through our hardships, grief, suffering and difficulties, we have to learn to push through them all and use them to our advantages. I encourage you to be honest with yourself and to tell your story, other people may find you encouraging and inspiring you never know who will come across your truth.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this with anyone else, but I am brave and courageous and seek to support others who are at this moment thinking what I've been thinking 'what in hell is this now?' You are definitely not on your own this year so far has been challenging and the rest will be an inspiring and uplifting tale. Don't be afraid to speak out.
Whatever you're facing stay focused on you and your positivity, understand that you are not alone, someone is out there willing to help or listen, find the peace within and always, always tell your truth, you're truth is your story.
You've got this, you're doing great!
Mell x
